Judith Rosen Counselling & Therapy

Individuals - Couples - Adolescents

Judy Talks About Emotional Intimacy

In my practice of the last 15 years, I've worked with a lot of couples and this has brought up many interesting thoughts about loving. Intimacy, emotional intimacy, is something most of us want. We long to feel deeply loved and to share ourselves and our lives with another human being. Yet why is it that in the relationships and marriages that do last, so many couples are not intimately connected?

Perhaps one of the reasons is our difficulty with vulnerability. To be emotionally connected, we have to be vulnerable. We have to open to the deeper parts of ourselves and be seen. Unfortunately, many of us do not want to be fully seen. We do not fully love and accept all of our being. There are parts that we consider defective or bad, and we hide them, hoping like a child, that no one will see. The ego now can stand tall and pretend that we are some kind of idealized version of ourselves.

If we let our partner in, they will see these shamed parts and we will be found out. Not accepting these things about ourselves, we don't believe that our partner will accept them either. Shame forces our emotional intimacy to remain shallow, it cannot grow to any depth.

Often our mates do know about this hidden closet and respond in different ways. In times of anger they can expose our denial and hurt us. Mostly they respect our unspoken boundaries and join in the cover up, fearing that exposure would be too hurtful. In either of these two ways, we miss out. By avoiding exposure, we avoid emotional vulnerability; we never allow ourselves to be fully emotionally known and fully emotionally connected. We never allow ourselves to be fully loved.

If you would like to deepen your emotional connection to your mate, I can help. Please phone me at 604-538-9796.